


Damn you, autocorrect

by burning_nova



Series: Kinkmeme Fills [38]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Attempt at Humor, Gen, Humor, Prompt Fill
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-09-03
Updated: 2014-09-03
Packaged: 2018-02-15 23:29:18
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 1,300
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2247426
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/burning_nova/pseuds/burning_nova
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The Avengers and their misadventures due to autocorrect. </p><p>(5 +1 scenario)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Prompt: http://avengerkink.livejournal.com/19458.html?thread=47194114#t47194114

NATASHA

 

_Status Report?_

 

**All objectives met.**

 

_What is your current location and condition?_

 

**At safe house. Just finished masturbating. It's quite relaxing. Going to sleep until 0300. Hawkeye has first watch.**

 

_Widow, while I'm glad you're comfortable with me as your handler, I do not think that was appropriate to relay in a message._

 

**Psych recommended I try masturbating after every mission.**

 

_Am I supposed to log your frequency? Nothing was relayed to me._

 

**They didn't tell me if you should. I recommend you try it sometime, Coulson. You and Hawkeye could use it. You two are always too tense after every mission.**

 

_Widow!_

 

**I don't see why you're so opposed to it. It has documented psychological benefits.**

 

_I am not discussing my masturbation habits with my assets._

 

**Upon review of my previous texts I see we have been on different conversations. Psych recommended m e d i t a t i o n. Purge last ten minutes of messages?**

 

_Order already submitted and approved._

 

**Widow out.**

 

 


	2. Chapter 2

PEPPER & RHODEY 

5:32 p.m.

 _Honey, I'm horny!_  

**Tony, I'm about to go in a meeting**

_I know but I'm just frustrated. R &D has had nothing but failures lately._

**So you want me to make it better?**

_No, JARVIS is going to help me out with that._

**Tony, are you cheating on me with your AI?**

_It's not like you could help me right now, Pepper._

**You and I are going to talk about this when I get home.**

_You never had a problem with it before. Why is this a problem now?_

**I didn't know you were using JARVIS like that before! For God's sake, Tony! Have some decency!**

_That's what he was made for!_

_In part._

Tony, this is a group conversation. Could you not include me in your relationship problems? Also I agree with Pepper. What you're doing is wrong.

_Oh shit. Sorry, Rhodey. But seriously. What is the problem with using JARVIS? I use him in the Iron Man suit all the time. He's programmed for it._

**Seriously, Tony? That's-that's really not okay.**

Yeah. You can't use the suit like that, man. Don't tell me you used the War Machine armor for that

_I had to test it._

Seriously, Tony? I'm getting the suit cleaned ASAP.

**We're definitely talking when I get out of this meeting. I have to go.**

_Hello?_

 

5:51 p.m.

_Guys. When I first texted, Pepper, that should have said "Honey, I'm home." NOT horny._

 

6:02 p.m.

_Guys? Seriously. I don't use JARVIS to masturbate or as a sex toy._

 

6:42 p.m.

**Thank God. You had me scared for a moment! I'm mean, it's JARVIS, Tony.**

_Pepper! You know I wouldn't do that to JARVIS, he's like my kid. Want to help me with that a horny problem later tonight?_

**Maybe. I might bring something out from our toy chest.**

_I'll get the whipped creme and that fetish stuff you like._

**I'll see you later, Tony. :) </i>**

 

**7:00 p.m.**

 

Guys. Seriously. Group chat.


	3. Chapter 3

CLINT

_How'd your date go?_

**Not good, man. I told you I shouldn't have gone out with her.**

_Really? I thought you two would have hit it off._  

**No, it was awkward all night. We went to dinner, then a movie which was okay. It got really bad when I tried to drop her off. I killed her at a park near her place, then went home. I just wasn't feeling it.**

_Why did you do that?_

_Where are you?_

**She definitely likes you. But almost everyone does, you're freaking Captain America.**

_Clint. Where are you?_

**At home?**

**Seriously, leave the matchmaking to Natasha.**

_Okay just stay where you are. I'll be right there._

**Aw, autocorrect, no. I kissed her, not killed her.**

_You have no idea how relieved I am. I was really worried for a moment. </b>_

**_I may be an assassin but I don't kill my dates._**

**_Unless they're marks._**

_I feel like that should make me feel better but it doesn't. At least she's alive._

**_Yeah_ **

 


	4. Chapter 4

Dr. Bruce Banner 

_Brucie! Come to the lab! Quick. I’ve done it again._  
 **What?**  
 _Made life._  
 **I’m not any kind of doctor that can help you with that, Tony.**  
 _Haha. Yeah, yeah. Playboy, paternity suits. I’ve heard it all before, even from people with PhDs. No I’ve created another AI!_  
 **Congratulations. I don’t see why this requires me being there.**  
 _I’m going to celebrate. I want you to come join me. A little birdie told me you have a few special brownies._  
 **I’m never sharing secrets with Clint again.**  
 _Hurry up and bring your brownies! JARVIS is threatening to maim him for me._  
 **Am I going down to watch some sort of AI cage match?**  
 _No?_  
 **Read your previous text.**  
 _Damn it. Not again. I swear I can’t program this thing right._  
 **What were you trying to do?**  
 _NAME. I want to name it. Weed always helps my creativity._  
 **I’ll help you name your new AI. Give me five minutes.**  
 _Hurry up! He’ll be taking its first steps soon!_


	5. Chapter 5

 

Cap

1:02 p.m.

_My new neighbor is cute._  
 **I’m not going on a date with her, Natasha.**

1:36 p.m.

_She gave me three free movie tickets. Any movie._  
 **Whose the third person? Is it your neighbor?**  
 _Banner. His only stipulation was no musicals or action films._  
 **We’re watching that movie with Ryan Gosling aren’t we?**  
 _I’ll chop you off at the entrance at 6, secure food and seats. I’ll meet you inside. Movie starts at 635._  
 **Drop?**  
 _Yes._

2:05 p.m.

_We have to pick up Banner at Stark Tower. Be ready at 0500._  
 **Fine.**  
 _I’llkillyouyoubastard be driving an impala_  
 **Why did your phone do that**  
 _I typed that out once in a message to Clint. We were drunk._  
 _Buddha._  
 _Budweiser pet._  
 _Budapest_  
 **I’ll see you at 5. Call me.**


	6. Chapter 6

Avengers (Assembled)

_Come to Medical. Clint’s dead right now._

**What?**

_Oh my god. Natasha?_

**Hey answer your phone!**

 

“Natasha, where is our brethren?” Thor called. Natasha looked up from her hospital bed. 

 

“Why didn’t you call?” Tony demanded, looking pained. “That’s not something you text about.”

 

“I almost had an incident because of that text.” Bruce replied. 

 

“I almost made Sam crash by trying to take the wheel from him.” Steve wheezed as he rushed in from the stairwell in the hallway. 

 

“My phone died. It got shot. I could only send the text.”

 

“And how long have you been here!” Tony demanded. “For fuck’s sake, Clint’s dead.”

 

“Clint’s not dead. He’s temporarily deaf. Percussion grenades.” Steve pulled out his phone and showed her last text.

 

“Ah. I got stabbed?”

 

“Was not this message delivered prior to your venture to hospital?”

 

“You can’t prove that.” 

 

Tony’s phone rang suddenly. He looked at the phone and rushed down the hall. A quick conversation took place. He rushed back to the rest of the team members 

 

“Good news guys. We’re not dead. Bad news, someone blew up the Tower.” 

 

Several surprised exclamations came from the group as Clint walked into the room. Brow furrowed as he tried to figure out what was going on without him being able to hear.

 

“Yeah, air missile. All the top suites are gone. Tonight was movie night. I wish people would stop blowing up my homes. I’m not made of money and my insurance premiums keep going up.”

 

“Natasha’s bad texting saved us.”

 

“If I remember this tomorrow you’ll pay for that.” 

 

Clint looked confused. 

 

“Steve, give me your phone.” Bruce demanded as the others chatted about what had occurred that evening. Clint looked at the text and shook his head. He tapped his ears. 

 

“Grenades!” He shouted with a grin. "What movie are we watching?" He received a blank stare from the group. "What?"


End file.
